Isn't it true that every parent wants peace to rule their home? Yet when there is screaming, put downs, mood swings, threats and other provocative behaviors the parent teenager relationship is severely threatened. Despite all evidence to the contrary, you the parent hold the key to peace in your home. What you do becomes what you teach your teenager.
For example, as the parent, how you confront stress, becomes a model for your teenager.
When relating directly with your teenager, they will very often mirror back the very same attitude and actions that you display. Experts refer to this as "circular causality" which can be described as what-goes-around-comes-around sequence. Therefore in your parent teenager relationship exchanges, you will inevitably get the behavior that you yourself model.
For instance, you tell your teenager that they must be home by 11PM or else. There is no negotiation. Your teenager comes home well after midnight and as they enter your home you are angry and frustrated as you blurt out "where the hell have you been so late?" Your teenager hits back with an equal measure of anger and frustration in saying "hey, who the hell do you think I am? I'm eighteen years old, not bloody ten years old".
You as a parent feel incensed so you dig in your heels, ready for a showdown. He senses the tension and pressure and screams "I can do whatever I want". You become more frustrated since you already had a hard day and you decide you are not going to take being spoken to like that in your own home. So you turn up the volume. Your teenager not wanting to back down also increases his volume.
Do you see what is occurring in your parent teenager relationship? It began when you made a non negotiable demand that your teenager be home by a certain time. He comes home way late. Your kid did not take seriously your request. As a result you are gripped by feelings of anger and frustration. You feel disrespected. Your teenager picks up on your emotional state and reciprocates the same for being spoken to as if her were still a ten year old. Your teenager behaves with an emotional tone that mirrors yours.
You could say that you have taught your teen well.
Circular causality scenarios like this have been referred to as "auto-exacerbating" meaning that the situation and everyone in it makes it worse. The truth be told, you the parent in the above example are modelling, escalating and reinforcing unacceptable behavior. The tragedy is that all too often, the parent is totally oblivious to what they are teaching.
If you want calm and peace in your home, the only way you will ever get it is to be a calm and peaceful person.
For example, as the parent, how you confront stress, becomes a model for your teenager.
When relating directly with your teenager, they will very often mirror back the very same attitude and actions that you display. Experts refer to this as "circular causality" which can be described as what-goes-around-comes-around sequence. Therefore in your parent teenager relationship exchanges, you will inevitably get the behavior that you yourself model.
For instance, you tell your teenager that they must be home by 11PM or else. There is no negotiation. Your teenager comes home well after midnight and as they enter your home you are angry and frustrated as you blurt out "where the hell have you been so late?" Your teenager hits back with an equal measure of anger and frustration in saying "hey, who the hell do you think I am? I'm eighteen years old, not bloody ten years old".
You as a parent feel incensed so you dig in your heels, ready for a showdown. He senses the tension and pressure and screams "I can do whatever I want". You become more frustrated since you already had a hard day and you decide you are not going to take being spoken to like that in your own home. So you turn up the volume. Your teenager not wanting to back down also increases his volume.
Do you see what is occurring in your parent teenager relationship? It began when you made a non negotiable demand that your teenager be home by a certain time. He comes home way late. Your kid did not take seriously your request. As a result you are gripped by feelings of anger and frustration. You feel disrespected. Your teenager picks up on your emotional state and reciprocates the same for being spoken to as if her were still a ten year old. Your teenager behaves with an emotional tone that mirrors yours.
You could say that you have taught your teen well.
Circular causality scenarios like this have been referred to as "auto-exacerbating" meaning that the situation and everyone in it makes it worse. The truth be told, you the parent in the above example are modelling, escalating and reinforcing unacceptable behavior. The tragedy is that all too often, the parent is totally oblivious to what they are teaching.
If you want calm and peace in your home, the only way you will ever get it is to be a calm and peaceful person.
About the Author:
Are you presently stressed and frustrated in your parent teen relationship? Are your parenting strategies proving ineffective but you are really keen to discover the way to make your parent teen relationship work? Despair no more. Before you do anything else, grab parenting expert, Paul Saver's seven FREE videos that are tailor made to begin to transform your relationship within minutes. Just click on the link above.
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